Remembering Those Once Loved – And Honoring them by Understanding the lessons learned, through the heartbreak and the pain. In Appreciation I share the lessons I learned with you.
02.08.2009 16:21
A True Story … though the names have been changed to protect those who were a part of my experience but should not be put in such a context. As even though I am hurt I can only be appreciative of what I gained through the loss, a better understanding of how to be a better person.
To speak on more of what seems to be lost as a result of to much time and trying to hard to get things in order. As it seems at this point even Sonja has decided to just accept the fact that she is to be married to Rawn, not for love but as obedience to her father on September 30th. To marry because it was arranged with her father when things were on rocky ground with me. When things were falling apart with Lynna when things seemed to be going well with Melinta until they each found out about the other. Even when I said I loved them each equally I should of known that really since she does not see me as a Muslim there is only one girl to be in my life. Though it would be different if I chose to Convert To Islam and become more of what I am not. Simply because I want to have more then one wife, or perhaps I just want many different girls in my life from different backgrounds to live a well rounded life and in that to become a more aware individual. Or is it simply that I think more with my dick sometimes then my head … always about the sex but nothing more then that. Certainly it is something that requires further conciseness which will later be explored separately. This of course will be spoke about at a later time in another moment probably not far from this one.
Are any of these girls worth it? Even Soo-B the one I thought there was some sort of stability some sort of thing that would outlast the challenges now. What a fool it would seem I was, as she married in spite of her supposed dedication to me. And yet to often we reconnect for a bit then the same occurs, where first there is conversation and later only silence. Perhaps the lesson needs to be learned that it is more true when you meet a person face to face first then Word to Word online. Each time I thought things were looking up suddenly they just changed as quickly. Even Lucinda, one who I cared so much for, was not even going to tell me she was coming To California, even with the awareness of the time we spent together. Had I not communicated that day, I would never of known what happened to her or what had changed. And of course true to form she is now married to someone she met face to face, who according to her, helped. When she was sick, and offered health care to make sure she would be well. She married him not long after and now has a beautiful daughter from him, with an American Citizenship (Perhaps her only true objective) to boot and today it is the same we rarely communicate, just as so many other girls have resulted the same. Failed relationships the whole lot of them at least for me but not for their husbands, or boyfriends today. Sometime it seems I am destined only for a lonely life, the one of a bachelor for so many years. An individual writer who speaks to the world in the only tongue he knows, the one that was found through many experiences both good and the bad. Yet I am not one who speaks of fate or a preset objective of some super plan, no I am a person who understands that the choices are my own and the future I can decide by doing what is on my mind at the time. To Focus Forward, as I often speak at www.focusfwd.wordpress.com because I understand that really you must experience life, not just exist and never make any difference, or take any risk for a better return. Better to make the most of the time you have, to insure that Dash means more then simply a symbol of time that passes.
Like a country song, a life where a man can focus on his work, on getting things done, even if it is a lonely life in the end, at the very least can make up his own mind and do what he needs to do, to find himself well off for the later years. Those later years which in themselves could also be of sadness, of loneliness because could never really find one who could be the one for him. Perhaps the saying could relate that there is always time for love, but for a person to make a decision to spend their life with another, that is a whole other challenge. As with any challenge it can be overcome but it is no easy process, when old habits resurface, when love is spoken but not really meant if it can be turned off at the flip of a switch. That is not really love and as I look at it, all these girls from my past, seemed to be only a fancy at the time because how can I love someone if I have never spent time with them off the computer in a face to face experience, so how can such things be known if the person on the other end of the internet could be anyone or anything? Rarely does a country song have a happy ending but it is more of an example of the life sometimes seemed to experience the brutal reality of taking one step forward and two steps back, a losing proposition unless you make the quality decision to change no matter how difficult it may be.
More lessons learned perhaps as a result of loss, of not making the choice then to make a change while understanding if I want to garner different results, there is a prerequisite of different approaches. That there needs to be change as it has been said;
If you keep doing what you always done, you will always get what you always got.
Something needs to give, change has to become the habit that is formed in your 21 Day Journey to change through consistently different approaches to the same situations to figure out which one works, yet still improve as people evolve and so do experiences. A constant process of evolution, of enhancement to continually learn how best to bring about the results you really seek not just the ones you have always found.
However difficult these lessons continue to be it is necessary to do all you can to overcome to bring about your own interpretation of abundance by grasping change, by taking a risk to step outside your comfort zone to form new habits that will bring about improved results.
In that I am thankful and even though those who are related to in this post, there is still a place for them in my memory, and to care for another can last a lifetime even if the context of it becomes different. For the lessons I learned through the up and down times of relationships I can only be eternally grateful as each adversity that is faced can always open up the awareness to another way to a different change. With that I close this Reflection, and grasp the present as the doorway to the future.
